First-Strike & One-Night-Stand users, show yourself and ...

I just don’t know for real, like for the first time (well that I’ve even thought about it) life seems fairly simple and ‘good’ I guess? TLDR: just a rant about my life right now like a diary just writing shit it feels nice sometimes

To start off I’m 16 so nothing really matters right now etc. But I mean I just feel weird right now because for the first time ever I feel mostly satisfied with myself & life. It’s just so bizarre and honestly think I’m just writing this to put stuff into perspective/be able to analyze my life. Ya know it’s just easier to write and unload all of your shit on the Internet then actually talking to someone even if nobody reads it.
I feel like I’ve come to terms with myself recently and some stuff that used to bother me doesn’t really bother me anymore.
I moved out to my dads house for the summer (huge fight with my mom about it since I hadn’t lived with him in since they were together like 7 years or something) but she’s cool with it now and I’m gonna go back and live over there when school starts. It’s also kinda weird I see her more now that I’m not living with her and our interactions are much nicer. An stuffs just kinda weird, like sometimes it doesn’t feel real.
Now I know what I’m about to say is kinda fucked up, but I think my life’s really gotten genuinely better since I started doing drugs. Now I have one saying that I really live my life by and that’s “live in moderation”. Going in order— I’ve smoked pot a couple times (not for me basically tried it and said not for me).
Then after a while I really wanted to try acid because it’s like a soul searching/therapeutic drug. So I took that shortly after turning 16. The reason I took it is because I was really lonely, like I didn’t(well still don’t) have any real friends only acquaintances. I really have nobody that I can call that would say ‘I got you bro on my way’ or anyone that I could hit up and be just comfortable making plans with. So when I took it ‘alone’ I really reflected and came to terms with that. And body image for the most part. I was just so much more at peace after that and it was really good for me. After that I came up with the ‘4 month rule’ where I’d take it once every 4 months trying to be safe, healthy, & all. But after that trip life in general felt a lot easieless stressful. I kept up a 3.85 an up gpa (actually got to a 4.0 now).
Then being over at my dads I’d hang out back by a bon fire with one of my cousins (22) and we’d just talk. One night I decided hey I’ll try drinking so I got drunk that was nice, but I really don’t feel the need to do that so I haven’t since.
Then came about 2 weeks ago when I was due for my second trip and so I did that with 2 of my cousins 22 and 21 it was honestly what I needed. I came to the idea that I just need to make a plan and stick to it because for a while I just didn’t really know what I was doing. So I made the plan I wanna get out of my lower middle class bracket, just up to upper middle class, so I’m gonna think a plan to work and make that happen. I came up with to start I’m gonna make as much money as possible and learn how to to Forex trading. An so far I am sticking to that plan and am just making money so that I’ll have enough to start an account. Everything seems to be going well though.
I’d also like to try dmt. I’ve ordered seeds for plant that produces it so I can make it since no one in my area sells.
Also not saying everything is perfect I do feel a fair bit behind socially. Like I said earlier I don’t feel like I have any real friends tbh just acquaintances. Also it’s pretty embarrassing that I’ve never had a real gf or even first kiss (unless you count being 5 or 6 y/o which I don’t). Whereas a lot of people I know have already lost their virginities etc.
But I mean the basically no friends thing and virginity thing doesn’t really bother me like it used to. Now I just figure I haven’t found my ‘group’ yet. An on the virginity thing I’ve been told by my cousin 22 when we’d talk by a bon fire “just find a bitch and loose it, it doesn’t matter. When you think about it you’ve already lost it to your hand.” That’s basically verbatim what he’s said about it. But in my reality I don’t see it that way I have really bad anxiety about relationships an so what I wanna do is actually find someone I’m into and be with them for 6 months so I know they’re with me before ye know. I feel like that shit should mean something and not be just be an act or whatever one night stand type stuff. That isn’t really a big deal right now though I just wanted to say that.
Finally I guess the last thing is that I’d really like to tell my mom about my drug use. I know she did a lot of stuff in college- I know she was a major pot head and had done stuff like acid before, but she would probably loose her mind an think I’m throwing my life away if she knew. Even though I’m being as safe as possible, only taking it once every 4 months and maybe drinking if I’d ever got invited to a party or something. My dad knows I do acid, but I don’t care his opinion doesn’t matter he’s a 49 y/o pot head who hasn’t paid taxes in over a decade, but can still make $35 an hour since he’s really good at everything to do with building houses, carpentry, plumbing, electrical, you name it he can probably do it. I wish I could talk to my mom and just be honest with her though.
Some other shit I forgot to mention that my cousin taught me was if it doesn’t make you happy then why do it, why bother? Which was very eye opening for me and taught me don’t do shit if it doesn’t make you happy in some way.
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